The funny thing about life is that you might end up going through it without living while breathing. That is exactly what I have been doing over the last 29 years of my life. It is after midnight and no doubt, I should have been sleeping but instead, I am up wrestling decisions and googling what it means to be a friend.
I noticed recently that I am in disturbingly into the habit of self-destruction and false glory. I do not even know who a friend is and what a friend should be. I assume that my expectations are not the same as the expectation of other people’s. I mean, really, If you have to deal with people like me daily you may end up hating us. Truth be told I spend my days, every day, musing about what could have, should have and might have been. I know this is not healthy but I recognize that I am not in a proper mental space at the moment. I realized that I stay away from people because I truly want to find me. I truly want only to know me and what I like and dislike and I also want to have one best girlfriend who doesn’t have another best friend.
I know I might sound selfish but think about it. I want someone who talks to me and discusses things with me and that we can together conjure the enthusiasm to survive this cruel world. My husband is currently my best friend but sometimes overloading him with my feelings seem to put him on an emotional roller coaster at times. Sometimes it gets so intense for him that he would ask me to get a best friend. At these times I know that I have reached my peak of emotional bottling and avoiding.
I wish someone would spend the time to know me rather than judge me, that someone would be godly enough to stay through my flaws and not tell their best friends about my weaknesses and failures. I know that this is done because sometimes when we enter damaging friendships we find that it is easier to gossip than to actually talk about ourselves. Most times meeting new people is discomfiting because instead of sharing in conversations and listening to the other person or getting to know the person the entire encounter becomes a competition about who was hurt the most.
These are the contests I hate the most. I will be sharing my story and all of a sudden someone butts in with their similar experience but theirs was worst than mine. The crazy thing is that in all cases I know persons have worst experiences but everyone deals with these experiences differently. I hate to say it but it is true that I myself love to butt into people’s conversation especially when I am hyped about the particular topic; hence, I can’t always be mad at others for doing the same to me. Well, if they knew me they would understand that I get excited talking now because I hated talking then. Now I just really want to express myself using words.
I started the blog with the intent to heal mentally and also that I could build my vocabulary but it seems I have been quitting ever too soon cause I have been a delinquent to my own business and personal life. I noticed that instead of doing I have been placing a lot of emphasis on thinking about doing which is not helping at all.
I have friends, yes, but the struggle is still on in me to find the friend in me and to stop overthinking and that I will meet persons wth similar interest and also overcome my own insecurities. I don’t want to be the friend that persons believe is dependent on them for finances etc. This is damaging to relationships where humans subconsciously believe that once they helped you financially they believe they own you.
I just need a balance right now. In between trying to settle, work, study, be a wife, church life and keeping in touch with everyone who wants to text I have to find a balance. Maybe I have friends who are friends maybe I have those who are parasitic, villains and foes but they all serve a purpose. Their purpose is either to build me or teach me. Either way, I am happy to have them.