I used to think that I have all the answers I need for my life. I believed that I knew exactly what was happening to me and that everything happened for a reason. I also believed that my nonchalance would cause some things to not hurt as much as they did but I was wrong.
Today, I recognize that my life was never just a series of events that just happened but instead a ripple effect of choices and decisions that I made, thoughts that I had and words I have said.
I realize that words are really forever because they change the relationships that we have with the people we know forever. Words either makes us or breaks us and that is where the choice comes in. I can choose to be angry and curse everyone who said anything bad about me; I can decide to hurt them with my words or just run away or I can decide to be myself and not allow mean and bitter people to make me bitter. But today I recognized that I was not always this wise…
I noticed that I have no idea what is happening to me, why my energy level is where it is, why I don’t want to be around people, why I feel so annoyed when people try to talk to me, why I don’t want to talk to good friends, why I always want to be alone, why I feared writing even when I was burning to write, why I quit everything I started, why am I feeling oppressed, why to all the other crazy things that have been happening in my life and why am I the product of my imagination. I just don’t know.
The possibility that I have lied to myself all these years is rich and waiting for the picking and the disbelief I had about my beauty and the thoughts about my inability to see me for me and secret hatred for my body and the way I look is hovering over me.
But I rise today to fight…to destroy the works of my selfish hands and narrow mind. I rise to fight against myself willing myself to think happy thoughts, to see the beauty in me even in me, to stop comparing myself with others, to start telling myself I deserve it, to recognize God’s hands gently nudging me to greater, telling me that I was beautifully and wonderfully created, reminding me that I should invest time into the people that have invested their time in me.
For so long I thought the world was against me but it seems I have been the one against the world all along.
But today I rise….